‪Exclusive: The Elaborate Hack that Will Prevent the CIA/NSA from Monitoring Your Communications‬

Look, we all know that the NSA is interested in you. You tweet really edgy stuff like “Obummer sucks!!” and “Fight NSA Spying!“ You were also totally all over that UN internment camp they’re setting up in Alabama depsite the lamestream media’s best attempts to cover the whole thing up. You’re obviously plugged into what’s really going on and that makes you a threat. A big-time threat. In fact, they are probably watching you 24/7 bro. You know it. But what are you going to do about it?

Now you could go over to Wired and read up on DFU Mode. You could also go all super spy like Snowden and keep your phone in the fridge (pure genius). Or you could be like NBC’s Brian Williams who is plugged in to the underground enough to know that if you’re a target you absolutely have to carry the same $500 burner phone with you – everywhere. You just can’t put a price on security.

But let’s face it. The geeks at Wired, Edward Snowden, and Brian Williams aren’t nearly as interesting to the NSA as you are. You can’t afford to mess around with temporary hacks, burners, and refrigerators. You need a permanent solution that will guarantee that the NSA will never get all up in your business. You need to go totally black ops.

Well here’s your solution. Don’t own a phone. Don’t tweet. In fact, don’t get on the internet at all. You know why? Because using other people’s networks will never be completely secure. Your communications hop through so many servers and switches and thingamajigs that frankly there’s almost no hope that they will ever be secure. If it’s not the NSA looking in, it could be a sysadmin, or a DBA, some data mining Ph.D., a random technician, or a hacker. You have relative privacy on these networks but absolute privacy (for someone caught in the cross-hairs like yourself) is more or less unattainable. So, bottom line, you have to stop. There are no hacks or technical solutions such as encryption that will protect a high value target such as yourself.

You have to walk away from it all. You have to go cold turkey. In fact, this should be the last digital communication you read before taking a hammer to your phone, tablet, desktop, laptop, and Smart TV. Smash that stuff, set it on fire, and bury it in the desert. Now.

Thanks for reading. The internet will miss your insight and your lifelong commitment to speaking truth to power (aka tweeting) but life goes on, even in the midst of struggle.

¡Viva la Revolución!