I could almost vote for The Onion’s very NSFW Jimmy Carter:
You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter’s rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your f*cking country again, because there’s no way I’m ever gonna come to you f*ck-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious f*ckin’ election. So you can just bite my c*ck. I’ve had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.
The profanity gets much worse so I wouldn’t click on this link from work if I were you.