I’ve been too busy to follow the news the past couple of days but that’s not a problem since not much has been happening. I know this because the few times I’ve turned on the news they’ve been talking about Anna Nicole Smith. All must be quiet in the rest of the world. This is really good news.
This whole Anna Nicole Smith thing has presented those of you seeking fame with an excellent opportunity. In fact, becoming famous has never been easier. With my plan you can become famous in minutes. No talent or intelligence is required and possessing either could actually limit your chances of becoming famous.
Let’s get started. It’s a simple two step process.
Step 1 – Call a 24 hour cable news network. Start with Larry King, anyone can get on that show, and work your way down to Greta Van Susteren. Do not call MSNBC as appearing on this network will not advance your cause. You cannot become famous if people don’t actually see you.
Step 2 – Claim one of the following
1. You are Anna Nicole’s Baby’s daddy.
2. You dated Anna Nicole.
3. You slept with Anna Nicole.
4. You served drinks to Anna Nicole (and boy was she wasted!)
5. You know Howard K. Stern.
6. You slept with Howard K. Stern.
7. You slept with Anna Nicole’s baby’s daddy and you will reveal his name on a TV special or in your upcoming book.
8. You cleaned one of Anna Nicole’s hotel rooms.
9. You slept with someone who cleaned one of Anna Nicole’s hotel rooms.
10. You worked in a fried chicken joint with Anna Nicole.
11. You worked as a hotel concierge and were required to deliver methadone, gravy, and condoms to Anna Nicole’s room every four hours. Don’t forget to add that she was both sweet and really wasted.
12. You slept with someone who bought fried chicken from Anna Nicole and they said she was really nice and down to earth in that way that only people who work in West Texas fried chicken joints can be.
13. You collected and or froze the sperm of Anna Nicole’s baby’s daddy.
These are by no means the only claims that will get you on television. They’re just a start. You can come up with your own. Just remember that your claims do not have to be true as long as they’re entertaining.